I am not recreating myself, but I am re-finding myself. Probably redefining. Possibly editing.
At this moment (this here and now) I find me, once again, standing at a crossroad. Scared and confused as fuck. Looking at each path, each fork, and weighing my options.
Trying to suss out which path is the best. The one which makes the most sense. The one that feels “just right” to me; in my heart and in my mind.
But, before I choose which fork to take, I have to – I must – take a moment to look back. Look back at my life. And my thoughts. My choices.
So … while I leave you hanging on whether I take the right-fork or the left-fork, I’m going to take you back, about a year.
The following is something I scribbled off, very quickly. But it still rings true.
And to this day, I am trying to embrace the strong woman who wrote this. (She may have been fleeting, but I will find her, once again.)
(There are times I wish I didn’t hide from myself so goddamn well. Because the woman below? I want to be. And she IS in there. I just wish she didn’t like the game of “Hide-n-Seek so much.
I will never apologize about my past. No, nay, never.
No, nay, never. NO MORE.
Even if it makes you feel better.
Everything I have ever done, every mistake I have ever made, every encounter I have lived through …
… all of those occurrences have made me the person that I am, today. This moment. This here and now.
This person that you have loved? This person that you still love? This person standing in front of you?
I AM the sum of my parts. Ain’t nothin’ will change that. And no longer will I apologize for my past. Instead …
I will revel in it. I will bathe in it. I will let my fingers rummage through each experience, each jewel, and I will let them slide through my fingers. I will grab handfuls of them, great big fistfuls, and I will bring them to my face, let my lips taste and kiss every one of them, and then … ?
… then I will inhale each and every one. I will smile at the remembrance. I will throw myself down in the plunder of my past. And I will roll in it. I will laugh in it. I will be positively GIDDY in it.
These gems make my mosaic. This one here, this blue one? It shows learning.
This crack here, this red facet? It shows experience.
This scar, the green one that catches the light just so? It shows a lesson.
This one here, the amber one with all of its flecks? The one that seems like it will break with the slightest breath? This one is my cornerstone. The one I hold most dear.
Individually the tiles, the gems and jewels – they may be marred, they may be scarred, they may be broken, but on the whole?
They are beautiful.
And you know what? So am I.
Sometimes all you can see is the whole. And you forget that it’s the small details, the small cracks, that make the whole gorgeous.
Don’t you dare forget that. Because? Because even if you do? Even if YOU forget?
Some of my imperfections, some of my flaws, some of my light that is reflected out, you may not like. Well, you know what? Too bad for you.
I like them. I may not love them, but I like them just fine. And if you don’t? If you can’t handle them? If you can’t embrace them? Well …
… that’s your loss. Not mine. I have fought too long and too hard to hate myself because of them. I have earned each and every one of these oddities.
THIS … this is my face. Suck it.
(And this stone? This one right here, that you can’t seem to look away from? The shiny one that reflects so damn much? That one is a diamond.)
And that diamond is me.
The song, from over a year ago, that sparked this post is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UW6EP3-Q-DA